The present moment is where lovemaking exists. Forget what you think you know about sex. Forget what you think you know about your partner. Make yourself fully present for sex and you may find yourself swept away in ecstasy.

All too often when having sex you may find that your bodies are together, while your minds are elsewhere. If you want to have an unforgettable experience bring yourself into the present while you make love.

Try approaching sex from a position of curious wonder. Suspend, for a time, your judgment of sex or of your partner as a lover. Turn off the recording in your head. Stop thinking thoughts about how you will or should make love; about what you like and don't like; about what to make for dinner or what happened at work. Leave your past and your future at the bedroom door.

What should exist for the two you right now, is each other and the moment you are in. Really see your partner. Allow yourself to be seen by your partner. Take the risk and turn on the lights. Pay attention to your senses; they can help to bring you into and help keep you in the present moment.

Use all of your senses. Start by looking each other in the eye. Touch and explore each other's face and hair. What does it feel like to gently rub your cheeks together? Pause for a second to fully feel that sensation. Breathe in and savor the smells. Become aware of your partner's breath on your skin. What does it taste like to kiss and lick? Listen to the changes in your partner's breathing; listen to the sound of their voice and hear the reactions as you touch and caress each other.

Avoid the genitals at first. All in good time you will get there and postponing that for a time will heighten your desire and multiply your sensations. Remember that you have 2000 body parts and many erogenous zones. Dare to be na?ve and explore and discover those sweet spots. Even if you are sure that you know what your partner likes, try this anyway. You may be surprised at what you discover about your partner and about yourself.

When you are fully present for lovemaking, there is no thought of how or when or if there will be an orgasm. As soon as you start thinking about if you are going to have an orgasm, you are no longer in the present moment. Your thoughts and worries about what is or is not coming next will reduce your ability to fully experience what is happening now. Unless you fully experience the now, that future orgasm may remain always just out of your reach, or it may feel hurried or forced, or you may end up faking.

Relax and allow yourself to enjoy the moment. Enjoy your partner, enjoy your sensations, and enjoy expressing your love through becoming one with your partner. When you are both fully present during lovemaking your will feel that sense of oneness.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach

Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course

Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples

Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

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