Coaching people to create happier and more fulfilling relationships is part of what I do as a sex, relationship and singles coach. When trying to improve a relationship, the fundamental change that needs to be made is within yourself, not the other person. When you look at the roles you choose to play with your partner and the contributions you make to generating and perpetuating conflict, then you can make things change. This is not something that everyone wants to hear but acknowledging this will positively affect your chances of resolving problems and give you more of a feeling of personal control and the power to change your situation.

I have picked out 5 very common errors of thinking: ways of looking at your relationship that keep you stuck in repeated patterns of anger, blame and resentment. You may get to fuel your self-righteousness and sense of injustice but you will not get to make things better.

1. Our relationship is in trouble all because of my partner (it's all his/her fault) It is often tempting to believe that the other person is the problem, not us. When you feel stuck in a bad relationship, it can seem as if things would be better if only. If only . . . . s/he would change something about what they say or do (do more domestic chores, spend less time with their friends, stop giving attention to other men/women) then everything will be alright. As long as you deny your own responsibility, nothing is going to change. It is not reasonable to expect someone else to share exactly your own standards, values, ways of doing things (e.g. disciplining your children, showing love and affection, managing money). Once you get past this, it is possible to allow your partner his/her way and respect their point of view.

2. You would rather be right than be understanding. Situations in which you are both in competition rather than in partnership set the stage for endless repetition of arguments about the same sorts of things, which then unfold in a predictably unproductive pattern. This suggests that both of you are entrenched in seeing things from your own point of view. If you are not willing to listen to your partner's perspective, sooner or later you may find that they no longer have anything to say to you. Why does it matter to you that you are 'right'? It doesn't help things to get any better. It means you may have 'won' another battle rooted in mutual self-justification but that doesn't seem to me like much of a victory.

3.You cannot find a sense of good will to want to work things out. Studies have shown that the key characteristic of relationships that thrive is simply goodwill - continuing to want the best for each other despite your disagreements and misunderstandings. For relationships to be mended, at least one of you (initially) needs to find within yourself a feeling of graciousness and good intention. If you are so angry, resentful and frustrated you cannot even find the will to want things to be better, your relationship is in real trouble until you remember how to find your compassionate side. If you cannot find this, working with a coach can give you ways of reconnecting with the good feelings that you still have for your partner.

4. You criticize your partner to friends and share very intimate concerns with them. This many not always be a sign of immanent danger, but I have found that a number of clients discovered that their unhappiness was fueled by rather than soothed by discussing their partner's behavior with other people. Friends usually want to reinforce the way we feel and rarely challenge our own behavior. Your relationship issues are between you and your partner only. Asking for other people's opinion is fine (I'm not saying never discuss anything with your friends if your partner is upsetting you) but don't make your partner's failings your favorite topic - you are undermining your own feelings for him/her and making it less likely that you will try to change yourself.

5. You never take the time to look at things from your partner's point of view. Although we like to believe that our interpretation, our relationship 'truth' is the only and right way to see things, we each of us have different versions of the truth. Do you ever listen to how your partner feels? Sometimes we think we do but closer examination helps us to realize that we actually dismiss, deny or trivialize our partner's issues. Listening to any criticism without becoming defensive is not easy but is possible.

To create and keep harmony, you need to retain goodwill, listen to your partner's viewpoint, accept him/her as they are (and not as you want them to be) or if you do not want to accept - think about moving on. You do not need to stop being assertive and clear about what is and is not acceptable but you do need to be able to make change happen, not by force, but by choice.

(c) Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach http://www.uksexcoach.com

I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style, desires and needs. Connect to the fun and pleasure potential of your sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more confident lover. You will update your knowledge, skills and become more accepting of who are you sexually. Contact me at