Making a deep sexual connection or spicing up an old one can be more difficult than you imagine. You think of every new "technique' to try and heat things up but nothing seems to work. You may even find that your man or woman is no longer turned-on -- or is completely turned off -- by the things that used to be the biggest turn-ons.

Your man or woman isn't exactly clawing your clothes off. What gives?

Some experts and some people say the solution is learning "good communication" skills but I have a different take -- and perspective.

Not only do I believe but I KNOW from personal experience and years of teaching this to others that learning good communication skills is not enough. You need to learn "emotional intimacy".

Knowing the right choice of words (please, sorry, thank you, etc.), and the "right" sentences (you look great, I appreciate you, I love you etc), and when and how to say all these "nice" things is all great but not enough to create meaningful, fulfilling and lasting intimacy with another person.

And over the years working as a relationships coach, I've met so many men and women who have "great communication skills" -- men and women who are articulate, eloquent and have good active listening skills (attending, paraphrasing, reflecting and all that sort of thing) and are even teaching these skills but these same people reach the age of 50, or more and some even die without ever experiencing true sexual intimacy because they never learned to be truly emotionally intimate.

And this is not even because "men and women are different" sort of argument. In fact most recent research proves that the difference between men and women beyond the obvious anatomical and physiological differences has been over exaggerated. There are almost just as many men as women who are so in touch with their emotions in a healthy way and just as many of both sexes who are unable to be emotionally intimate with anyone let alone experience true sexual intimacy.

True sexual intimacy begins and ends with emotional intimacy. I am not talking about Oh-My-God-You-Rock-My-Groin sweet friction, I am talking about SEXUAL INTIMACY -- when not just your body is involved but your mind, emotions, and spirit too!

1. If you want to experience the most passionate, most fulfilling and most meaningful sexual intimacy make sure that your lover feels truly KNOWN -- seen, heard, validated and cared for...

Sexual intimacy flourishes in an atmosphere of emotional safety. We open up when we feel safe. We take risks when we feel safe. If you want your lover to open up to you and take the risk of being emotionally intimate, you must create a safety "zone" where he or she can experience freedom from being judged as stupid, faulty, clumsy, incompetent, or worthless.

The challenge is - how do you create this safety for another person?

You'll be surprised at what you don't know about your man or woman when you make a genuine effort to get to really know them. Really take the time to focus your attention fully on your lover, even if it's just for a brief period of time. Just being fully present and attentively listening to him or her and what is really going on in his or her life-- feelings, needs, secrets, hopes, fears, embarrassments, expectations -- and then asking how they truly feel, "listening" beyond the words to what is not being said, and providing the reassurance he or she needs to know that you may not completely understand how he or she feels but you appreciate, accept and affectionately admire him or her, creates the "safety" needed for emotional intimacy.

This requires curiosity, understanding, genuine interest in what the other person is communicating and a sincere effort to seek and find all the barriers and defenses he or she has built to protect him or herself. If you find yourself trying to come up with ways you can use that information to get what you want, you are not being fully present, and you're not being emotionally honest with yourself and with your lover. Any time you abuse someone's emotional vulnerability you create a negative spiral -- suspicion, distrust, emotional distancing, anger, retaliation etc.

But most importantly let your lover BE him or herself. You can't show someone that they are loved unconditionally if all they see is conditions and high expectations.

2. To get to this level of true sexual intimacy you have to be emotionally honest and open to begin with...

If you want your lover to be intimate --let his or her guard and masks down and stand naked emotionally and physically -- you must be willing and able to stand naked and vulnerable in your lover's presence.

Emotional intimacy requires vulnerability and to expose our most vulnerable aspects to another is to expose our true selves. Many of us find this difficult to do because we have been trained from childhood to be emotionally dishonest with ourselves and with others. We have this inner sense of how much emotional vulnerability we can risk and how much love we can give to get love.