It was late when he knocked on the door. We had already eaten dinner and I had shut myself in my room to waste time on the computer while my roommates sat in the family room laughing at the latest episode of “Friends? At first I didn’t understand what they were asking me. They came into my room saying something about my sign language class and a solicitor at the door. To this day I don’t remember why he knocked on our door. He was deaf they told me and I was the only one who knew any sign language. I had taken the class as an easy grade, something that I thought would make a fun hobby while I tried to decide what it was I wanted to do with my life. I went to the door and found him frantically scribbling the little notepad he carried with him, trying to write down all he wanted to say as fast as he could. I signed him the simple things I had learned. “Hello. I know a little ASL. I can help you? A look of pure relief crossed his face and he said he had been knocking on everyone’s door trying to find someone who could understand him.

It strikes me as funny that I’m not sure I even asked his name. I’m sure he told me. But I don’t remember it. I was so wrapped up in the idea that this would be a great way to practice my sign language, perfect the skill that would be a great conversation starter. He came every night after that. I was entertained. I guess that’s the nicest way to put it. He seemed like a nice guy. He made me feel useful. He even ate my interesting turkey experiment without making a face. I really should have seen what it was all leading up to. One night he seemed nervous. He tried to sign as slowly as he could but as hard as I tried his fast hands confused me.

They were so different from the slow practiced movements of my teacher. He resorted to our backup source of communication, the small steno notepad he kept in his pocket. Slowly, carefully he wrote down the words “Would you like to have deaf date??It took me a few minutes to understand what he was asking me and when comprehension finally dawned on me I was more shocked than anything else. I didn’t know what to say. I had just been hurt badly by someone I didn’t even know. I had thought I was in happy valley and the experience had closed me within myself. For months I had told my parents I was going to school when in reality I had dropped most of my classes but English and Sign Language and spent all my free time locked in my room telling my roommates I was working on a web design project for a company that no longer existed.

Most of the people that I knew had taken the hint. No one had asked me out in months. They mostly left me alone and let me tag along if I felt like leaving the apartment. That is why the answer that I wrote back to him on the tiny notebook didn’t seem rude to me. I simply wrote “No? Then instead of being smart and trying to explain a complicated emotion on paper in my first language I tried to sign him my reason. I think it came out something to the effect of “I can’t. Boys are dumb? It is 7 years later and I still find myself waking up at night wondering if I signed boys are dumb or you are dumb. I have never been able to remember. Either way he didn’t come back after that.

I honestly wasn’t interested in any relationship at that point in my life but to this day I wish I would have said yes. But I was worried about who he would turn out to be, how we would ever really communicate. I was worried how I would translate his food order for him if we went out to dinner. For a while after that I kept thinking that I should have gone, not because he was a nice guy but because it would have been an educational experience. A cultural night out. I was still in the same state of mind. I hadn’t grown up yet.

Now I look back on it and realize how cruel I was. I turned a nice guy down not because of anything he did or was, but because of what he wasn’t. He couldn’t hear me talk. Now that I have experienced more and grown up a bit I realize what a stupid mistake I made. At one of the harder times in my life I casually dissuaded someone who had become a good friend. Even though he couldn’t hear my voice he listened to me. He cared about what I thought. I hadn’t met someone like that in a long time and I hurt him because of my ignorance. It is one of those pivotal moments in your life that you remember for years and don’t really understand why until something like revelation hits you and the moment begins to really feel heavy.